Family

Today I went to my cousin Taylor's memorial service. There had to have been at least 300 people there. The saddest thing is to lose a child and I was amazed at my cousin Michael's (her dad) strength as he listened to the Rabbi read the eulogy he had written for her. I was amazed that he could have written it all. How do you condense a daughter's life down to a few pages? How do you sit at a computer key board and type out words to communicate all that she was in life? How do you form those sentences? She was so young, so full of life and potential. I realize, when someone dies that young you miss not only the girl she was, but the woman she would have been. I suppose when someone older dies, you tell yourself they are in a better place, without pain. But when someone young is taken, there is no rationalization. There is no explanation. My heart goes out to Michael for showing such strength in putting those important words down on paper so beautifully. Hearing them brought a lot of smiles and tears to everyone in the room and we left with a greater understanding of who Taylor was--something we will all carry with us forever.
Growing up I felt I came from and had a big family. I had my sisters, my mom, my dad, an aunt, grandmother, step-grandfather, uncle and some cousins that I saw fairly regularly--summer time BBQs, birthday parties--stuff like that. And then I had this bigger group that I saw only on holidays or small picnic family reunions my Aunt Robin would organize. These were the second cousins, great uncles, great aunts, the twice-removed people. But still, family. For some reason, over the last ten to fifteen years, I felt like this group has dwindled. Partly because people die. Partly because one of the people who died was my mom of breast cancer in 2000. She was the connection; the glue that sort of kept it all together. While I was standing, bouncing Sadie to keep her asleep during the service, I looked around and saw my family and realized this group is still very large and has only dwindled in my life because it takes work to keep it together. It takes phone calls and planning. It takes a commitment to care about something other than what is right in front of you and this is hard. At least it's hard for me. Sometimes you can only do what is right in front of you--so if someone moves far away, or it's been years and the phone call feels random and strange, you don't make the effort. I guess because now I have this baby--this baby Sadie--I am thinking even more about family. I am thinking about what kind of family she will have. I am thinking about how some of my best memories are the Christmas' that my Aunt and her family would trek over to our house in San Anselmo from Larkspur with all their presents so we could open up the gifts together, eat breakfast together and then later cook Christmas dinner together. Or the Thanksgivings at her house where we would torture any outside boyfriend, girlfriend or without- family-that-year-guest with our parlor game of 'Picnic' and 'Crossed or Uncrossed'. Both of these games were purposefully designed to make the people not in the know feel even more like outsiders--yes we had that kind of family. I am also thinking about how learning about the history and hearing the stories of my family sometimes helps me make sense of who I am, who my parents are and why we do the things we do. It makes me sad to think of how many stories die with the people who are the only ones who can tell them.
As much as I feel sincere in writing this, I can't be sure I will be able to do the work. At the memorial we all exclaimed how sad it was that it takes a something so sad, like a death to bring the 'family' together. But the truth is, we are all comfortable with what we are surrounded by most often. So, until we do the work, until we commit to seeing each other more often, the comfort level won't be there. I suppose the simplest way to explain it is to say it's the difference between visiting and hanging out. Either way--whatever happens--it was good to see everyone today. Their faces hold my past, my history, my stories. Maybe we won't see each other again until a wedding or a death. I just hope we see each other again.
Love,
Rosalie
Pics Above:
1. My Great Uncle Al and his girlfriend Jean and Me. Uncle Al is my Grandmother's brother. I think he is the oldest relative I have. Can you tell by his face he is a total character?
2. My cousin Michael with Sadie. This is Taylor's dad. I cannot imagine the pain he is going through.
3. My cousin Judy. Judy is Michael's mom and Taylor's Grandmother. She is my Grandmother's first cousin.
4. Me, my sisters, Sadie and my first cousin Whitney.
5. Me, my cousin Jennifer, her husband and my cousin Alexander and of course Sadie. This is where it gets mind boggling complicated. I guess the simplest way to explain it is Jennifer is my grandmother's first cousin's (Jack) daughter. Alexander is her sister's son. I am sure there is a twice removed in there, but really, cousin is good enough.
6. My Aunt Robin. Robin is my mom's younger sister...and of course SADIE. The poster behind her was done by my great grandfather.