It's Raining so it Must be a Chemo Day

Hi All

Today I had my first round of my new chemo drug. I had four rounds of the AC and it has worked great shrinking my tumor from 7 cm to 1.5 cm. Now I move on to Taxol. For those of you wondering why I would stop treatment of a drug that was working, Greg asked that (he asks all the questions--I draw a big blank during doctor appointments and answer every question with 'Fine' and 'Good', so it's really important Greg comes to tell my doctors that I woke up in the middle of the night convulsing with nausea, or that the bottoms of my feet are shredded with dead skin and I have had a constant cough since I was released from the hospital after having Sadie). Anyway, so I learned today that AC can do some damage on my heart if given in any higher of a dose than I already got, so they cut you off-- for life. Meaning if my cancer comes back, I still won't get AC because I have had enough my body can handle for lifetime--yes, that stuff is TOXIC. I am glad to be done with it. Taxol is no friendlier--they tell me the main side effects are the neuropathy (tender, sore and tingling feet and hands). My hands are already kind of numb, but not numb enough that I can't ramble tonight here at the computer. And of course, I suppose I will be tired, but HONESTLY, what new mom isn't tired?That's the conundrum of this whole entire thing. What do I chalk up to being a new mom, and what do I chalk up to being a cancer patient?  

So my tumor is still at 1.5 cm, but it's a soft malleable tumor instead of a hard one with definable edges, which means progress! My doctor 'isn't concerned' with my cough or dripping nose--which makes me think the cancer patients she sees are so far worse off than me that my little cough is nothing to write home about. When I think about it, that's true. She works with people who have had bone marrow transplants. These people have NO immune system. No white blood cells. The common cold could kill them. Very scary.

I suppose I 'deserve' (sorry Aunt Karen) this little cold since I have been such an adventurer lately exposing myself to the world, visiting work last Wednesday and then going on a major errand mecca with my sister Hannah on Sunday: Babys R Us, Nancy Koltes Home, The Container Store, Bed Bath and Beyond, Longs and Anthropologie (I had to do some retail therapy. And, I corrupted Hannah who prefers not to buy anything that anyone else may be wearing which means she gets most of her clothes at obscure shops and second hand stores or wears stuff she has had for fifteen years, but even Hannah could not resist my beloved Anthropologie. We bought the same shirt!). And then yesterday Greg and I went crazy and took Sadie to Comforts in San Anselmo for breakfast which was great. It wasn't too busy. Sadie slept most of the time. The sad part is my taste buds are totally shot. I couldn't even taste my pecan pumpkin pancakes except for the sweet bitterness of the maple syrup. I swear if someone could invent a drug that wiped out the functionality of taste buds it would be a sure fire weight loss miracle solution. I have NO desire to eat and when I hear my stomach rumbling I go for something that will just 'fill me up' and that might as well be healthy because what's the point of eating anything that tastes good if I can't taste it!? I have lost so much weight and am still losing--again, nothing the doctors are worried about. I mean it's not like I didn't have the weight to lose. After that, we met up with Nina and did the stroller roll through San Anselmo. Man that town has changed. Then Greg dropped me off baby and all at Nina's house in San Rafael so he could so some work and we played mommy at her house for a while. Seriously it's so weird that we are moms. I feel like we are playing with dolls, or that the real moms will swoop in soon and take over. Sadie was able to get some good time in on Nina's boob which makes Amara sort of confused--or maybe we are just projecting our feelings on to her. Either way, I am grateful Sadie got some breast milk. All in all a LONG day--I was happy to go home to the mind numbing TV for American Idol (sort of lame this year) and the Project Runway reunion show (could have been a little more dishy).

So chemo today was the usual. Instead of the hand delivered shots, I just get IV pre-meds and then one three hour bag of the Taxol. So the pre-meds...yuck. One of them is Benadryl. No big deal you think. But, they give you this massive dose that made me want to crawl out of my skin and roll around on the floor. Then it just made me so flipping tired I conked out with my mouth wide open (I think I drooled) for two hours with the bright overhead florescent lights on and the door to the room open and all the hubub of the Infusion Center going on--beeping, laughing, talking, phone ringing, etc. I mean I slept and I sweated too. Kind of gross. Anyway, poor Greg kept coming in to check on me and worrying and rubbing my back and then leaving to go down to the waiting room to talk on the phone. There went our time to hang out. But SLEEP--so great.

After chemo I just feel yucky, toxic and dirty--ugly--but not like ugly as compared to pretty, but ugly like a street covered in trash, or a lake that has been polluted. But then, driving home, ensconced in my ugliness both Greg and I became powerfully aware of the beauty of San Francisco and the Bay Area. It must have been the light. The sky was filled with gray wavelike ribbon clouds and all the buildings looked pure and clean--from high atop Divisidero the city looked European and so beautiful. Then driving over the Golden Gate we were both overcome with how amazing that bridge is, the art deco details and that great reddish orange color. And then moving in to Marin, the hills were such a vibrant green. Right before we went through the rainbow tunnel we looked back at San Francisco and the city was being bathed in this great break through sunlight--it was like that scene in The Wizard of Oz when the Emerald City is just in the distance of the poppy fields. Almost like a postcard. Anyway, we are really lucky to live here.

Speaking of LUCKY. How lucky am I to come home to two amazing friends, Sarah and Amber, who took care of Sadie, roasted a chicken, made mashed potatoes, did my laundry, walked my dog, made my bed, did my dishes, and on and on so I could go to chemo and get well. I lived with both of them a few years back in a house in Gerstle Park in San Rafael. We called it the Hen House. We had a ton of fun, a lot of laughs, of course some tears. I learned a lot about myself living with these women. It's so surreal to now be years later walking in to see them in my own home holding my daughter. Friends are so important.  

Tomorrow I have an MRI on my breast to see what the tumor really looks like.  At the end of the month I have a PET scan of my entire body--scary. 

My other friend Sara Roditi is coming over to take care of Sadie so I am going solo to the city--seriously--that's a big deal. I'll let you all know how it goes. 

Love,

Rosalie