Lonely Nights

Hi All,
Most of you know that Greg has been in Hawaii (for work) since Thursday because I sent out a mass APB email to garner some extra help while he's gone. Thanks to all who 'signed up'. For those who didn't know--yes, he has been gone and will be back on Tuesday night. He was first going to be back on Thursday night but that meant he would have missed my surgery consultation on Wednesday and chemo #6 on Thursday. Anyway, I can't believe that people do this alone whether by choice or by circumstance. And it's not the actual work of taking care of the baby--the bottle washing, diaper changing, rocking, pacing, singing, laundry, bathing etc., it's that doing it alone is, well, lonely. When she smiles or makes a funny noise, it's hard when nobody is there to celebrate it with you. Or when she is just crying like crazy, being alone makes you feel fairly crazy yourself. I can handle the days OK, but am grateful for my girlfriends who are coming over to allow me a few hours sleep so I don't nod off during the night feedings. But night time is different--it's so dark out here in Forest Knolls and quiet and my imagination starts to get the best of me and all of a sudden I don't just live out in Forest Knolls (10 miles to the freeway for those who think it's so far away), but like in the woods surrounded by wildlife and scariness and I get overtaken by that weird homesick feeling that you get in your stomach like when you were a little girl at a sleepover and your friend fell asleep before you and you were left in her bedroom wide awake with all her unfamiliar and strange house noises.
Anyway, all is good right now because it's Sunday which means Tia Hannah is here for the night. She's chuckling over Sex and the City right now while cuddling Sadie. I envy her that she doesn't have cable because every episode is new to her whereas I can repeat verbatim all Carrie's little 'I couldn't help but wonder' lines by heart.
So, some good news to report. My PET scan showed that the cancer has not spread anywhere in my body. I hated getting the test, but am thrilled with the results. It was down in a new UCSF building in China Basin. I had to get another IV put in my arm. I am running out of veins that aren't bruised. The test took about 2 hours but half the time you are just sitting in a cold waiting room while sugar dye is running through your veins before they actual do the imaging. The room is cold because a lot of the woman get hot flashes from the sugar dye, but I didn't so I just sat there and shivered. I went alone and Greg stayed with Sadie (his FIRST time being totally alone with her. I think it freaked him out at first, but he ended up having a good time because Sadie is such a good baby). I have such an issue sitting with other cancer patients. It's that whole being one of them idea. I need to get over it. I got the bald head, thinning eyelashes and eyebrows and general sickly appearance so I should just embrace it and move on. In the waiting room I think one of the women wanted to talk to me because she kept making eye contact but I avoided her and kept to the In Style magazine I had thankfully found. See--what's wrong with me? Maybe she would have been someone with good advice. I think I just want to get through this without totally making my life all about cancer and therefore don't really want to know anyone with cancer too. Anyway, back to the test--the whole sliding through the sterile white coffin is creepy no matter how hard they try to make it OK with the Norah Jones music and heated blankets. I am still lying in a claustrophobic tube with massive amounts of gamma radiation sent through my body looking for hot spots which shows cancer growing and that's not any way someone should spend an afternoon. I realize I need to make friends with this test because it will show me if and when any cancer ever decides to come back anywhere else in my body. I should be grateful it exists..
So, today I had another outing. It was Dan's birthday and I brought Sadie over to their house where Nina had planned a little tea party. I was really looking forward to it because I knew there would be endless people who would want to hold Sadie, giving me a wee break, and sure enough I was only there for two minutes before she was swooped up by one of Nina's teacher friends and I didn't hold her until five hours later--I even stole away to the bedroom and slept (!) for a few hours. I hope this doesn't make me a bad mother. I am just so darn tired.
Anyway, pics above or from the party. That's me and my dad with Sadie. And that's Sadie with my aunt Sara. And the other one is of Sadie with my sister's friend Jon O'Halleran's second son Sam born five days after Sadie. I had her all in pink and Jon's wife Haven had Sam all in blue. They were pretty cute together. Baby's are great.
Love
Rosalie