Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Happy Birthday Mom




Hi All,
Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 61 years old but she was snatched from us by the same disease I am battling today when she was only 53. My mom was a big worrier. And she was worried about me most, at least it felt that way. Probably because I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was 18 years old and ever since, whenever we spoke, it almost always seemed to be about whether I was taking my medication, my vitamins, whether I was exercising and getting enough sleep, eating enough vegetables, remembering to go to my appointments, staying out of the sun and on and on. Just wanting to be a normal young adult, I have to admit, I tended to avoid her phone calls. I regret that now, but how was I to know? Because of my mom's worrying, I am almost relieved she isn't here to see me go through this. I don't like when people worry about me. But also because she would have felt guilty. Guilty that she passed the BRCA1 gene on to me. She died without knowing she carried it. My aunt managed to get a vial of her blood to a lab and we found out later. When my mom was very sick, she sought out a second opinion from Hope, my oncologist. Hope urged her to get the genetic test, but claims my mom wasn't interested. She thinks it was because she didn't want to know whether she had passed it on to one of her daughters. I know how she feels. I am horrified just thinking that Sadie is carrying this same mutation in her little genetic makeup right now.
Up late the other night worrying (I am like my mother in more ways than just cancer), I googled her name and came across some pictures of her taken one month before she died. The pictures were taken as part of a project on cancer survivor practices, like Gi-Gong meditation and acupuncture. At first the pictures were shocking. I forgot how thin my mom was. And to see her out there, on the web like that, I felt she was exposed and vulnerable. I was mad. I emailed the photographer and asked that he prove she knew she would be part of a website in such a way. He wrote right back and assured me she knew and that she very much wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to show herself as a strong survivor of breast cancer. And I remembered that until the very the end, she was fighting. Three days before she died, my sisters took her to the Pine Street Clinic in San Anselmo for an appointment with her Chinese Doctor. Two days before, she was at Kaiser, meeting with her oncologist and getting a new pill form of chemotherapy. She never let us talk to her about whether she was going to die or not. When we cried, she told us to turn our tears in to prayers. Sometimes I am angry about this. Angry we didn't get to ask her all the things we wanted to ask and tell her all the things we wanted to say. I guess I saw it as denial when in fact it was what she needed to do to survive those last days of her life. Hannah was here the other day and we started talking about it. About death and our mom. I told her that I think that people do die, but it's the loved ones left behind that go through death. Death is so much worse than dying. If that makes sense. I have never been afraid of dying because of this. It's only when I think about Sadie or Greg, my family and all my friends that I am scared and sad. For me, I get to go to wherever it is we go--which is life's greatest mystery.
Just now I was out in our backyard watering and I discovered that one of the trees in our backyard is a dogwood tree. I had no idea this tree was a dogwood tree because it hasn't bloomed in the three years we have lived here. It chose today to expose its nature. I love dogwood trees. I don't know why--there's something about the blossoms with their little red tips. The flowers were part of our wedding invitation design my friend Amber did (you can see them here). I almost bought one at the nursery a week ago because I have always wanted one. It blooming today, on my mom's birthday, feels like this was a gift from my mom (yes, I am getting a little mushy here) and it got me thinking about perceptions and the way we look at things. One minute this tree was just some tree in our backyard, one of thousands surrounding our home in the Knolls. And the next, it was infinitely special and now my favorite part of our garden. And my mom, always calling me, worrying, was at the time, nagging to my young mind and now I know it was love.
Anyway, I debated whether to post these photos because again, at the time, I saw them as tragic and so sad. This woman fighting not knowing she was going to die four weeks later. But now, I see it another way. Yes, she was dying, but didn't let that stop her from fighting. From living. From hoping. I am proud of her for fighting until the end and so happy she did it her way. I chose to share the one that shows her beautiful head and her elegant loving hands. I love you mom. Happy birthday.
Love,
Rosalie

28 comments:

Susannah said...

Oh Rosalie, I am totally crying right now. That was beautiful. You are beautiful, your mother was and still is beautiful in all of you. I am trying not to bug you because I know you're cocooning before the surgery but I hope you can feel me here wishing you strength and healthy lymph nodes and deliciously yummy drugs. Happy Birthday to your mom and to you.

Unknown said...

Everyone that knew Linda loved her. She had a big heart that felt the pain of the world. Years ago, we were probably 21, I ran into your mom at the gym. She asked me to help her in watching out for you. She didn't want your relationship with her to be reduced to nagging. She wanted to know that some one else besides her was making sure you took your meds and stayed out of the sun. Of course i agreed. It was so like you mom to create a community to take care of you. So one of the main reasons I'm so committed to helping you is that your mom asked me to. Linda would be so impressed with the community of helpers that have been assembled but I do wish she was the captain. Happy Birthday!

Rosalie said...

Thanks Amber and Susannah.
I too remember when my mom reached out to you and I remember being bugged at her butting in once again. Thank you for doing what my mom asked. Lord knows I didn't enough.
Love,
Rosalie

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amber {daisy chain} said...

happy birthday to Linda!
oh Rosalie, I am a big mushy mess, but for so many reasons, most of all because you are SUCH a strong woman and have been through so much. You and your mom share the same courage and that same fighting strength. I am praying for you tomorrow, you will be in my thoughts all day, thought I just know it will be smooth. I love you, ae

MrsEm said...

I'm here through Amber's link. Best of luck with your surgery. The whole internet has their fingers crossed for you to do extremely well.

southern daze said...

I'm here through Amber and Susannah's links and want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know your mom is watching over you now, just like she did then, and I truly believe the dogwood bloom is her way of letting you know.

Good luck and we all wish you a very speedy recovery!

Erin said...

Rosalie, what a beautiful message to your mom. I truly believe that the dogwood bloom was her sending you love and strength on her birthday, the eve of your surgery. I read on Susannah's blog that the surgery is today. I want you to know I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Rosalie, I have been thinking of you all day today girl and went to your blog so that I could feel some sort of connection between the thousand of miles that separate us right now. Your thoughts on your mom were beautiful and I do believe that lovely dogwood was a sign from her to you when you needed it most. I am sending you lots of hugs, and keeping good thoughts for you.

chicken said...

Hugs from a stranger. I stumbled upon your blog in a round about way...It is my hope for you and your family, that your surgery goes well and you are home playing with Sophie soon!
Your post to your mom was beautiful.
Thanks...and again, hugs to you!

Robin said...

Rosalie,

You don't know me, but I want you to know I am thinking of you. I am a friend of Erin's from Colorado and "know" you from reading Petunia Face and your blog.

You are clearly a strong, brave woman with friends and family who love you dearly. I admire you so much and am praying for you, Sadie, and all your loved ones.

Big hugs to you!

Courtney said...

What an amazing post! And what an amazing mother ... and YOU! I am thinking of you today, along with so many others that don't know of you, but know very well of your infectious spirit and fight. We are all thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you well.
xx

Katie said...

Rosalie~
VERY VERY best wishes and thoughts coming to you from Seattle today. Can't stop thinking about you.
~ Katie, A Loyal Reader!

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful family.

Oh Brother! said...

My Ms. Rose... my sister's laugh guru and one of the few people in this world that, while I don't know enough, I know you exist and the world is a MUCH better place for it.

I've known you for years and should know you even better. So, there;s a lot of "knowing" and not "knowing" going on in my post to you, but the one thing I do know is that I love you, that you will be and ARE great and that you know all my thoughts, prayers and wishes coming from me... ok, that's more than one "know," But, I know that all to be true.

Be well.

The world is a wonderful place because of you.

Love,

Andy

SGM said...

Lovely, that dogwood and its connection to your mama.

I'm sending you lots of good wishes today; Susannah and Amber sent me.

Happy Mother's Day to you, Rosalie and that lucky Sadie Wren!

Mrs. Blandings said...

Rosalie - I came by via Susannah. You are doing all the right things. No regrets. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Good luck with your surgery.

SH said...

Found your blog via Petunia face...Your story is amazing, your daughter is amazing (and shares the same middle name as mine) and your mom was amazing. Praying for you.
Pia

Judy said...

Rosalie, I just wrote-as always-a long, heartfelt comment-with it was the legend from my childhood state tree and flower, the dogwood-which seemed to fit in so amazingly with your post and your surgery. Be well. I will re-write it all Monday on a more reliable computer so as not to lose it into thin air again. There us so much I want you to know. I love you and I am with you and every night I will be spending some time thinking of you...more in the post I wrote, lost and will re-write. Be well.
Judy

Megan said...

wow! This was such a wonderful tribute to your mom, I am in tears (again, I read it just after you first posted it, and now too). It's really so powerful. Linda was so great, I just thought that she was such a neat person, and I want you to know that I miss her. She helped me when i was having a very hard time understanding my own mom at one point when Brendan was sick, and it was something that I'll never forget. I was very troubled then, and she really gave me calm.

I am thinking of you and hoping that you are resting peacefully after your surgery, with all well. There are the dogwood blooms to greet you in your garden, and best of all, chubby baby arms waiting to reach out to you upon your return. i am wishing you a very Happy Mothers Day to you! The very first of many more to come, congratulations momma! all my love, Megan

Bridget said...

what a beautiful tribute.... best wishes to you for a speedy recovery. Brie

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Rosalie, What a wonderful post and tribute to life, your wonderful MoM, and for your own daughter to someday read. Wishes for a speedy recovery, a peaceful summer of rejuvination! My prayers are with you and your family,

inhabit said...

Wonderful and full of hope; that is how your last entry leaves me feeling. My prayers are with you, I found you through Susannah - you must know that the love that surrounds you is amazing and I am so happy that I found you and your lovely blog.

Lori said...

Hi Rosalie, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this now. I am here through Susannah's link. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the speediest recovery. My husband is a chiropractor who has helped other cancer patients to strengthen their bodies with nutrition to help fight this disease.If there is anything he could do to help you in any possible way please contact him at www.nutritionanswerman.com. If you have any questions or anything he would be happy to talk with you. If you would want a chiropractor in your area he would be happy to locate one for you.

I wish you the very best health!

jennyc said...

I am thinking about you and sending you warm wishes and love and support.
Happy Mother's Day!
xoxo

Tess said...

Rosalie, I'm here from Susannah's blog as well. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your beautiful family. All the best.

jen said...

Happy Belated Mother's Day (your first!), Rosalie. Heard about you from Susannah's blog and wanted to send a hearty wish of hope and strong good wishes to you. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you care for your little girl. It's really hard to have people worry about you and help you, but it's important you accept it. Rest and love are wonderful medicines.

Petrone said...

Happy Mother's Day, Rosalie. Stay strong. Live in the moment. Love, love, love and love some more. My prayers are with you.