Today my daughter-in-law (oh yes, I have a daughter-in-law, a son and three grandchildren which yes, means Sadie is an Aunt!) asked me how it feels to be a mother. In all honesty, I didn't know how to answer. In so many ways this cancer has robbed me of my new motherhood feelings. The initial nervousness, fears, excitement, wonder and happiness have been crowded out by cancer. It eats away at more than just tissue. Sometimes I feel like I am just a caretaker for Sadie. Someone there to make sure she is warm, fed, clean and dry. The idea that I am her mother and responsible for nurturing her little mind and spirit startles me because I feel so distracted by this cancer. It's not really the bald head, or the brittle yellow dead nails (your nails are fast growing cells so you lose those too), the hot flashes from pre-mature menopause (which is hopefully temporary) and the aches and general pain and tiredness (those are probably felt by all new moms who get four hours of sleep a night and spend their days walking and bouncing a 12 pound baby in their arms), it's that when I wake up, I don't think, 'I'm a MOM! I have a baby'. I don't have that Christmas morning feeling a lot of moms have told me they felt after giving birth. When I wake up, I am just worried. Worried that my cancer will come back in 10 years (I am guessing average recurrence, but hoping I am WRONG) so that I am sick again right when Sadie needs me the most, or worse, I am not here for her at all.
So, I am doing my best to concentrate on what is right in front of me and for the time being I am grateful that for the next three weeks, it's not much. Pictures above are from what I am considering my official first day of maternity leave. I met some good friends in Fairfax for an hour in the park and then we strolled around a bit just enjoying each other's company, the antics of the kids and something warm to drink and sweet to eat at the local coffee shop. For just awhile all I have to think about is Sadie and how amazing it is to see her smile. Hopefully this break with the medical world will give me the space to shed some of that worry because truly Sadie is the most amazing gift. She has given me the best reason in the world to not wallow in this stroke of bad luck I have been dealt. She needs me to be strong and so I am.
Love,
Rosalie
6 comments:
You look really amazing in that first picture. Really good. Sadie is still adorable!
Who knows how many of your feelings can be contributed to being a new mom and how many can be contributed to having cancer. But I remember feeling a bit like a caregiver and don't really remember ever waking up as if it were Xmas morning. Baby blues? Cancer? General worry? Who the freak knows. But you've got a gaggle of great friends and a yummy daughter--that's truly all I know.
research around the world has shown that events do not create meaning -
people do. a mother's capacity to reflect on even the most difficult circumstance assures her baby will develop a 'secure attachment'(key for to growth & development). your thoughtfulness reveals a profound capacity to digest your experience which is emotionally nourishing to sadie.
another great notion:
a baby creates the mother.
so - you are still gestating !
Thanks Sara (and PF and Zakary). Even though I had to reread your note twice to really absorb the message (I blame chemo brain--seriously, my nurses say that sometimes you feel stoopid while I on chemo), it gave me a nice warm feeling inside.
Love,
Rosalie
Roditi here. Awesome post -- thanks for letting us into your deepest places, as usual.
Love you,
SR
ps: I'm sure when her time comes, Sadie Wren will adhere to the strict black jacket/jeans policy we all adore. :))
Well said, Sara. And, Rose, you will have many moments in your lives together where being a mom will feel like "Christmas morning" - MANY. You're doing what you have to do right now to be sure you get to have those moments. Keep the faith and stay the course. Sadie's good with that.
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