There are too many moments to list, when I miss my mom. I hate how you only miss someone when they are gone, appreciate someone when you have lost them. No matter how much you know you will miss them in the cerebral way, it's hard to feel it in the emotional gut wrenching way before they are actually gone. It's hard to find that place inside yourself to realize it when they are here. Life gets in the way. Or maybe it's some sort of survival instinct. If we all walked around not just knowing, but feeling loss, I guess it would be a bit of a constant downer. Finding happiness would be sort of elusive with that emotional umbrella hanging over you.
This is why I do not hold it against my friends when they complain about their own moms. When their moms let them down, or they are cavalier about the help and support they get in their day to day life. But, oh how I wish my mom was here to enjoy the babies Nina and I have made. I think Amara hitting that one year milestone has brought how much I miss her to the forefront of my thoughts. When I look at this picture, of my dad, with us at Amara's party, I just want to photoshop her in that blank spot on the right. It's like we left it for her.
Or maybe it's because Dan's mom Gill has been visiting with Dan's dad David for the past two weeks and I see the joy she gets from Amara and I think how lucky Amara is that she has a grandmother (even if she lives very far away) and how unlucky my mother is for missing all of it.
The other day at Nina's house I changed Sadie's diaper and freaked out when I saw a little blood. Like burst in to tears. This isn't something you ever want to see in your baby's diaper, or anywhere on their body for that matter. Gill was there with me and talked me through my fear. And just for a moment, I could imagine maybe she was my mom and just that comfort alone kept me from totally losing it.
Turns out my poor kid has been affected by some hard poop. The actual diagnosis is horrible. Anal Fissures. How can someone so beautiful have something that sounds so ugly.
Her little butt is totally raw. It came on so suddenly. Or maybe what I thought was diaper rash wasn't. Ugh. I feel like a terrible mom, and needing my mom to tell me I'm not. I took her to the emergency pediatric clinic and thankfully it's really no big deal. I just need to keep her on only fruits and veggies for awhile and leave out the cereals. She's really OK as long as I am not trying to wipe her with rough baby wipes. She was pretty hilarious at the clinic.
Playing with my phone and finding the noise the paper sheet made hysterical.
All in all, not a tragedy, but still, I wish I had my mom.
Love,
Rosalie
5 comments:
Rosalie, I wish you had her too. Raising children is so hard and motherly advise is so needed and comforting. She is there...I know you must feel her at times. Wish I was closer, I can't wait for grandchildren. I'd be glad to help and hug and advise. You and Sadie are both precious!
Oh, I felt a pang when reading this. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer 8 years ago. It was my birthday last week, and I was expressing sympathy to a person who had just lost his mom. I told him it was my birthday, and I always think of my mom on my birthday, and I burst into tears!
I was a handful as a child, and my mother used to say 'I hope you get a child just like you'. At least once a week I think of that comment...her wish came true! I have a child who is just like me. That is not entirely a good thing, but it isn't a bad thing either.
I think about my mother so much now that I have three children, and feel sad that she is not part of their lives. I also feel such a sense of deep appreciation for all that my mom did for me, for making me the person that I am today.
Your baby is absolutely beautiful! She looks like she will be a person of character. Her face is full of character. So sorry she has a sore bum!
That makes me so sad, I miss my Dad too.
I love Sadie's little outfit with the brown poncho. She is getting so big.
Thanks for posting.
~Zak
Hi Rosalie -
De-lurking here to say hi and tell you that your blog post here is just poignant in my life right now. One of my closest friends lost her mom on Monday and your post just really hit home with me. BTW - I totally got weepy reading this at work when you talked about the blank spot in the photo.
Love your writing and your blog.
Thanks-Kara
you should definately photo shop in your mom. it will feel good to look at, comforting.
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