Birth Experience

Ok--just like chemo, I clearly have been putting off the official details of my birth experience. It's something I still go over in my head and I still am conflicted. Again, the end result (Sadie!) is so wonderful it feels silly to complain about how she came in to the world. Sadie was induced at 36 weeks for reasons that I thought I understood, but then would shift and change depending on which doctor you talked to (everything shifts and changes depending on which doctor you talk to by the way). Reasons number one: wanting to control when she would come out in terms of my chemo treatment. So, farthest from the last and farthest from the next to give my body time to heal and recover as well as time to be with the baby before my next treatment. The fear was I would go in to premature labor the day after a treatment when there is no way I could muster up the energy to deliver. I had two treatments pregnant with Sadie and believe me, I don't understand how it was not OK to eat sushi and soft cheeses but OK to inject toxic chemicals in to my blood stream while pregnant. But, this is when you have to trust that doctors know what they are doing. But, nobody wanted to do more than two treatments so this was the second reason I was induced. Then there was the risk of caesarean. Nobody wanted me to have one because it's major surgery and major surgery on chemo with a low immune system was a serious risk in terms of healing and worry about infection. So, induce early, smaller baby, easier to push out--reason number three. So, at 36 weeks I go in to the hospital thinking we give me some inducing drugs in the afternoon, I wake up the next day and deliver. This didn't happen. I had a severe allergic reaction to one of the induction drugs which they insert directly up inside you on your cervix to soften it. It made it impossible for me to be checked for dilation because I was in so much pain. It also made it impossible for me to get more of the drug up inside me correctly because it felt like knives were shooting up inside me if anyone tried. This was pain I wasn't counting on. I was counting on dilation and contraction pain and working through that and I was counting on pushing pain. But a simple exam, two fingers, the same process as a simple pelvic exam is causing me to scream out in agony so much so my sisters were crying in the corner to tell the nurse to stop. So here we are at a standstill and it's been two days and I have been on and off pitocin and am in mild labor and can't sleep because I am on the most uncomfortable bed in the world, which makes sense because it wasn't a 'bed' but a delivery bed and I wasn't delivering. During this time, my sister Hannah and my husband Greg saved me from throwing in the towel and asking for a caesarean, well that and a little thing we call an epidural. Now, knowing how I was born, who my mom is, believe me it was hard to ask for this, but it truly saved my birth and made it possible for my to deliver vaginally, so I am eternally grateful for one Susan Maloney, who came in to the room late at night with her little epidural kit and not only took my pain away but brought a lot of grace and sensitivity to my birth experience. She also offered me her hair. Seriously, she had my exact hair, just a little more red. So now I am out of pain and there is hope. They start me on a new induction drug that isn't as harsh on my system and the next morning, I am on pitocin again and by mid-afternoon I am 10 cm dilated and ready to push. Pushing on an epidural is a trip. You know you are, but you don't at the same time. You feel the pressure but not the energy of a push. I did this for two hours and then I guess my blood pressure dropped and so did Sadie's and then right then my OB who had tracked my pregnancy with me showed up, and as Hannah says, 'like a mechanic under a car' used a vacuum suction and pulled my baby out. So, all in all, not the magical, spiritual journey I had been brought up hearing about through my mom. Though honestly I had given that up awhile ago, but I suppose was still hoping for something to have in my memories to connect me to her philosophy on birth. Something that I could say, 'Yeah, mom, I get it now. I see what you mean'.
So, really quick--because this is getting really long. In postpartum, that night, I get a fever and have to get blood cultures and they discover a bacteria in my blood I probably got through my catheter so I get hooked up to IV antibiotics and have to stay three more days in the postpartum floor. It started to feel like Greg and I were in jail. We just wanted to be set free.
However, not all is lost in this experience. I met the most wonderful nurses who offered me and Greg support and encouragement. They laughed at Greg's jokes, answered all our crazy questions. They soothed our worries, comforted us and gave us the strength to carry on through the ordeal. One of them, Linda, said they all raised their hands in victory at the nurse's station when they heard I had delivered vaginally. Within a few days, I felt they all had invested in me and it was a powerful feeling to have that many people instantly care, and not just care in the moment, but giving me their cell phone numbers, bringing my a gift of little pink booties (Nicka) and offering to walk our dog (Linda lives in Fairfax!) and answer questions any time. Susan even visited us the next morning on the postpartum floor with her beautiful daughter Lily to check in on us. And we did have questions (about formula) and we did call one of them (Lauren--so awesome) and she called right back even though it was 10 PM at night and she has two little kids of her own and talked to Greg for an hour and again soothed our worries, comforted and supported us.
So, all in all--I am grateful for EVERYONE, doctors, nurses, who helped me get my baby out successfully. Sure I wish it hadn't been as traumatic, but the end result is pretty great and so with this, I am going to let it all go and concentrate on moving on instead of looking back.
Love,
Rosalie