Dwindling Days

Hi Everyone,
So it's four days and counting for those keeping track of when I go back to work. I chose next week because yesterday I had my first bi-yearly oncology appointment. I'll probably have them for the rest of my life. I thought the appointment was sort of the closing chapter of my cancer and I could go back to work with it all behind me. Start fresh.
Not exactly.
I don't think you ever close the chapter on cancer. Even when the tumor has been shrunk by chemicals and then the tiny microscopic cell remnants cut out and your breasts cored and replaced with silicone bags, cancer is still a part of you. A big part.
For starters, I am still dealing with the after affects of chemo. I haven't gotten my period since April of 2007. Obviously because I was pregnant when diagnosed, but Sadie was born in January and I am still without. 'Yeah! That's great, periods suck', you may be thinking. Not so much for me. I actually liked getting my period. I had that in common with my mom. It means your body is working. Not getting it means I am still in temporary (hopefully) menopause and with this temporary state comes all the problems associated with it. Shall I divulge? Ok, why not? First off, your body changes. A very important part of your body. You expect this in your fifties, and maybe, like an older woman friend I won't name, you don't care by then because sex isn't such a big deal anymore. Again, not so much with me. So it was with a shameful sense of ick I accepted a prescription for an estro-something-ring from Hope my oncologist. Something that will, oh lord, this is embarrassing. Ok, let me think like my sister Hannah. Something that will bring the yummy back to the yoni. There I said it. Secondly, I am gaining weight. FAST. Partly because I barely ate while on chemo so maybe my metabolism slowed down and hasn't balanced itself out. But Hope confirmed yesterday my menopausal state also does a number on metabolism and weight gain. Even with going to the gym three days a week and watching what I am eating (sort of), I am gaining weight. And this is hard for me. I was chubby before I got pregnant and then with the chemo I shrunk. And, even though this was scary, to lose weight so fast and feel so weak, there was this small part of me that thought it was a little bonus. It's not many people that lose thirty pounds in two months without exercising at all. I told myself don't gain it all back. Keep it off. But man, when my taste buds started to work again I was so happy I forgot everything I told myself when all I could keep down was rice pudding and jell-o.
Remember this picture? This was my 'cancer face' portrait. It was me at my most cancerish.



Here's me now. Healthier? Sure! But, you know, rounder too.



It doesn't help that I have a husband who loves me no matter what I look like (can you believe I am complaining about that!?) and even tells me to eat whatever I want because I deserve to be happy. It's not that I want him to start pinching my love handles and giving me a hard time (which I do to him...I am so bad), but I do need to reverse my thinking about food. I deserve to live, so I need to put the ice cream down. And by live, I mean that I am not dwelling on this for vanity reasons entirely. The other thing Hope told me is that being overweight, for reasons they do not know, adds to the risk of cancer. Duh. Being overweight is just bad all around. Even though I have the gene and that's the biggest precursor to cancer, being overweight adds to the risk even more. She really urged me to lose ten pounds. Just a few months ago they were worried about all the weight I lost and now I am getting the lecture on gaining too much. I was so mad at myself and ashamed too.

The scariest part is that I move now more than I ever did. Walking with Sadie at least once a day with the dog and going to the gym and running around doing errands. And next week, well next week I start sitting for hours in front of a computer and stressing. Work is stressful. Sometimes good stress, satisfying project finishing stress, but other times, well it's just sucky stress. I totally believe all the hype about stress and weight gain. This isn't even counting the stress of now being a working mom and balancing all that out with daycare and timing and dinner and keeping the house together. I am stressing now just thinking about the stress.

And finally, I still need to make a decision about my ovaries. The BRCA gene also gives you a high risk of ovarian cancer. I think Hope would like if I just opted to get them out now. And even though I think we aren't having anymore kids, I don't like that option ripped out, literally, just yet.
So, she scheduled a pelvic ultrasound (one of many I am sure to get) so that we are sure I am clear for now.
All in all, I showed up to the Breast Care Center feeling triumphant. Like the winner of the game. And I left still feeling like a player. A player doing well, but still, just a player.
Love,
Rosalie

Oh, and for the Sadie Wren and Amara Jay Watchers (Hannah, Aunties, People who like Cute Babies...meaning everyone..)
We took the babies on a walk last weekend to the school near my house. It was a great crisp and colorful fall day. Amara tried a slide for the first time...



...and went on the swing with her dad....



...while Sadie slept in her stroller. She's such a good sleeper.



On the way back, Frida met a friend...



And Sadie got a piggy 'neck' ride from Uncle Dan




And really enjoyed it!



Greg, the baby and I spent a day in Berkely on Fourth Street with my sister Hannah (And her beautiful breasts. Seriously! Check them out. All natural. Sigh...) ...



...and had an impromptu photo shoot at Design Within Reach





And finally, my workmates will enjoy this....



Love (again),
Rosalie